If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the flash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.
And if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you.